Road Trip 2010 Day 3: The Angry Truck Driver

You see a lot of sketchy people in bathrooms along the interstate. 99% of the time, you ignore these people and they ignore you and everybody does their business and goes happily on their way. About 0.8% of the time you wind up talking to these sketchy people for some reason, and they turn out to be really pleasant, nice people (albeit with awkward weight/fashion/hygiene/what-have-you problems). The other 0.2% of the time, you wind up talking to these people for some reason and they turn out to be just as crazy as they look. Such was the case with The Angry Truck Driver.

TATD was pretty standard--beer belly, tee-shirt tucked into jeans, giant belt buckle, beard, baseball cap--except for the fact that he was washing his hands furiously in the Conoco convenient mart's bathroom. I was washing my hands as well and couldn't help but look over and notice his anxiety. He must have noticed me looking, because he said, very loudly, "This water is cold!"

I wasn't getting any hot water either, so I nodded, said, "Yeah, man," and gave a "what are you gonna do?" kind of shrug, but TATD wasn't done.

"This water is COLD!"

"Maybe we should talk to the manager?" I offered.

TATD huffed and shut off the sink, dried his hands just as ferociously as he had scrubbed his hands, said "Cold water doesn't kill fucking germs!" and walked out the door.

And that was The Angry Truck Driver.

Road Trip Day 5: Double meat

In Ohio and Pennsylvania, Ashley and I were confronted by a horrifying realization. Americans are fat. Of course it's a stereotype, but on the west coast, it's a stereotype that's easy to laugh off. Sure some Americans are fat, but many of us are skinny and beautiful, right? Right? In Pennsylvania, the words “obesity epidemic” take on new meaning. It's as widespread here as the common cold.

We stopped at a Subway to get lunch and plan out the last leg of our trip. I bought a ham sub.

“Would you like double meat?” the sandwich-maker asked.

“No.”

“Double cheese?”

“No.”

“Would you like to add bacon to your sandwich?”

“Uh, no.”

“Make it a combo and pay thirty-three more cents for a large soda?”

“No thank you.”

She nodded and finished my non-double-meat-double-cheese-added-bacon (yet still huge) sandwich. On the way into the bathroom I noticed a Subway advertisement. “Double your meat and get a free cookie!” And to think I could have had a free cookie.

Road Trip Day 1: Montana at night

Montana was big, beautiful, empty, and, on a Saturday night, full of highway patrol. I saw at least one every mile. One followed me for ten miles and made me nervous, even though I knew I wasn't speeding (damn trailer slowing me down) or doing anything illegal. I pulled into a gas station and he followed me there too. We nodded at each other as we pumped our gas. Lightning flickered over the hills—Montana is gorgeous.

Also poor. Pulled up alongside the gas station was an RV with a table out front. A woman ducked in and out of the motor home and her children milled around the table. The cop walked over to them and asked, “What are you guys selling today?”

“Mugs,” said the boy.

The girl yelled, “Tee shirts!”

“Great. Where do you guys live?”

“Over there,” one of them said, and pointed up between two hills. “We're going home soon.”

The cop and I were the only people at the gas station, and I hadn't seen a single car pull off the interstate to investigate the little mountain town—they couldn't have been getting much business.

We drove to Drummond, Montana and stayed in the Sky Motel, which looked sketchy at first glance. It was seedy, the upstairs rooms could only be accessed by walking through the front office and up a tiny flight of stairs, and there were three good ol' boys out front talking trucks with the counter girl. There was some confusion among the staff when I tried to rent a room, and the counter girl—who they all called Booger—got really mad and said “Shee-it” under her breath. The room was great, Clementine was glad to be out of the car, and we were glad to get some sleep. If you're ever passing through Drummond, MT, I recommend the Sky Motel. Day two, with rude grocery store clerks and thousands of Harley Davidsons, is coming soon!